I should. I fucking hate those two words together. The “I” alone is perfectly fine, a blank canvas filled with endless possibilities. Should says that you are not enough as you are, that you are doing something wrong, or that you ought to be doing something and you are not.
Do you should on yourself? Read on and see if any of this sounds like you.
I should have…
- Eaten and apple instead of the chocolate cake
- Gone for a walk instead of watching TV
- Known better
- Said what I thought instead of agreeing to keep the peace
- Spent time with my loved ones instead of taking them for granted
- Studied harder at school so I could have had a better job
What do these statements have in common? They all imply that you have made a MISTAKE!! You fucked up!! Out of all the choices you had, you picked the wrong option. Maybe it was a decision of good vs bad, right vs wrong, sensible vs fun. Whatever it was you are now beating yourself up that you didn’t pick the alternative.
I should not have…
- Sworn for the second time in the paragraph above
- Signed up for the gym, I know I never stick at it
- Spent all my money on clothes instead of saving or investing some of it
- Been so quick to judge
- Eaten that fourth slice of pizza
Again, good old “I should” is letting you know that you have screwed up. Whatever you did it either was wrong, not good enough, or an epic fail. Society teaches us that mistakes are bad, they are wrong and that somehow we are not good enough if we make them. This starts at an early age when the teacher writes the big red X next to a wrong answer on a test.
I should…
- Be patient
- Read more
- Start exercising
- Stop eating sugar
- Visit my parents more
- Get to work on time
Depressing isn’t it? Who would have thought we were all such failures, poor decision makers or just unintentionally negligent. There are all these things that you ought to be doing and you are not. Why not? What is wrong with you? Other women are superwomen and can juggle everything, why can’t you? The should’s above are just the tip of the iceberg, you can add anything you like after those two words if you want to feel bad about yourself.
You should…
The only thing you ‘should’ do is to cut the word out of your life. Stop thinking it, stop saying it, just get rid of it out of your vocabulary completely.
I could…
Saying ‘I should’ is negative self talk. It may not always be obvious that this is what you are doing, but rest assured it is. It is this subtle put down that we constantly fire at ourselves, and at others, that over time can really destroy confidence. Replace the word should with could. This is such a more inspiring word, implying there are numerous possibilities for you to indulge in. It doesn’t make anything right or wrong, good or bad, just gives suggestions.
You could…
It’s up to you, you could totally ignore what you have just read and continue on beating yourself up with I shoulds for the rest of your life. Or you could try the alternative. Test it out for a few days and let me know what you think. Whenever you catch yourself ‘shoulding’, stop and replace it with an ‘I could’ statement. Attacking negative thinking can do wonders for our self-esteem and confidence, and for the people around you if you tend to should on others!
